A Review of all of the Weapons in Call of Duty 4

Note that this is all sarcastically written. This is not meant to be taken seriously, only semi-seriously.

Handguns

M9
Your a real badass if you use this. I will make love to you if you actually manage to kill someone with less than 5 shots with this. I have airsoft guns that hurt more than this. Hell, I have cats that hurt more than this.

USP .45
If you seen my video reviews, you know that any USP thats is in .40 is a waste of atoms, but .45 USP's tend to rock. This is the only well balanced handgun in this game. Too bad there are handguns who's hobby is to rape people of middle eastern decent.

M1911 .45
I love how they put the .45 in here, just encase your too damn retarded to realize that its a .45 caliber handgun. There is really no point to having this handgun if your going to put a Desert Eagle that doesn't have recoil. Oh, it can be silenced? Well that makes up for it.

Desert Eagle
I'm going to have to simulate a developer conversation for this one.
DEV1: Hey, I coded this really awesome Desert Eagle that packs a mean punch.
DEV2: Cool, so what did ya do to balance it? High recoil? Inaccurate?
DEV1: Nothing. Fuck balance and fairness. If I want to have a sidearm that kills in one hit without a side effect, they can just go suck my massive cock.
DEV2: I really hate you.

Golden Desert Eagle
Wow, they put in gold plated weapons. I'm sure they did this to make your weapons look unique (unlike everyone else that has a golden AK-47). I'm also sure that Saddam Hussein had a gold plated AK-47. Surpise cockfag, your emulating a mass murderer!

Shotguns

W1200
This shotgun is as balanced as it gets. You need close range and a steady hand to kill... until you strap stopping power and a grip on it. Then if anything is in the vicinity of it dies. Take that years of shotguns in first person shooters sucking unless its automatic, then becoming a "FAG GUN".

M1014
At least some of the developers at Infinity Ward has their head on strait. They balanced the semi auto with low capacity, with means that they aren't the giant dipshits I think they are.

SMG's

MP5
Hey, lets have power, range, rate of fire, accuracy, and mobility all rolled into one! Sounds fair, doesn't it? Yeah, this gun is unfairly bullshit.

Skorpion
If you own with this gun, congratulations. You now have the right to touch my nutsack. This gun is also a good example of balance. Its also a good example of never fucking used.

Mini-Uzi
Alone, this gun is worthless. Stopping power and steady aim, this gun kills more people then Hitler and Stalin combined. All while holding this gun one handed! Yep, this game is soo realistic.

AK-74u
Lets go back to the developers for this one.
DEV1: Hey Ted, check out this AKS-74U I coded.
DEV2: Looks cool, but why is it labeled AK-74U, and is under the submachine gun class?
DEV1: Because I want to.
DEV2: But the AKS-74U fires a rifle round, so doesn't that make it a rifle?
DEV1: Fuck you Ted.
DEV2: *Sigh*

P90
Hey look kids, its the Desert Eagle of the SMG world. Yeah, fuck balance. We don't need less power or accuracy. Ill just make the reload two seconds longer. Yeah, that will balance it out.

Assault Rifles

M16A4
Lets make a rifle thats super accurate, have little recoil, and is unlocked by default. Oh wait, the M16A4 is already here. I know, lets make it fire only in busts to make close quarters combat less easy. Oh, because of the bursts its easier to kill with one direct hit with a burst. Oh well.

AK-47
Yay balance. Most balanced gun in the game. Enough said...

M4A1
... Unlike the M4, which has range, power, rate of fire, and accuracy all in one, unlike the real M4 which sucks cock and is as bout as reliable as a retard bus driver.

G36C
This gun is as bout as balanced as... well, its quite balanced, minus the fact that it cant do shit against shooting through walls. Apparently the bullets turn into fluffy kittens.

G3
More developers, yay!
DEV1: Hey, the G3 really kicked ass in single player.
DEV2: Yeah it did.
DEV1: So lets make it fire in single shot only (just like the m14 by the way), add more delay in between shots, and generally make this gun a piece of shit.
DEV2: Eh, why?
DEV1: Because I can you piece of shit.
DEV2: I wish I can quit.

M14
Take a M21, hack off the scope, add ten rounds to the magazine, and you get the M14! Oh yeah, add an annoying grenade launcher to it just for laughs.

MP44
Lets waste space by copy pasting the MP44 from Call of Duty 2 in Call of Duty 4 so people can see how weapons from the 1940s can see how much they suck compared to modern weapons instead of making a cool, new weapon for players. Makes as much sense as how much I'm not mentally disabled and can tell that older weapons suck compared to modern ones. Oh, and its STG.44 you dipshits.

Light Machine Guns

M249 SAW
The M249 is balanced on foot, but apparently if you put it on a mount it turns into a MG42 and has magic bullets that pierce anything and never overheats.

RPD
Also balanced. People just hate dieing from a gun thats hard to master, so when they do, they just call it a noob gun and say they never use noob guns. Yeah, you just keep saying that Mr. M4A1 + M203 + Blue Tiger Stripe finish (Its not camo for Christ sake! What the hell you going to hide it in? Blue Jello?).

M60E4
For fucks sake, stop calling this gun "LMG"! Its a god damn M60! I know you seen at least one Rambo movie! And its not cheep, you just suck ass. This gun is as accurate as throwing shards of grass at someone. So use range as an advantage god damnit.

Sniper Rifles

M40A3
Balanced

M21
Also Balanced

Dragunov
Balanced as well, is this a miracle?! (Also, its SVD dipshits).

R700
Eh, whats the point of this? Its a M40A3 minus a bullet. They could have put a cooler sniper rifle here, like a VSS, or an WA2000, but we got a M40 minus a bullet! (Yeah, I know, more powerful, but after research, it like a 5% increase, which doesn't matter in everyones obsessive hardcore mode.)

Barrett .50cal
*Sigh*. Really? The biggest fuck up of this game. Developers!
DEV1: Check out this sweet ass M82 I coded!
DEV2: *Sigh* And your going to balance this one how? Massive recoil? Woefully Inaccurate unscoped? Slow rate of fire?
DEV1: Nope, fuck balance.
DEV2: Oh god damnit!
I fucking hate this gun. It's as fair as beating up a legless child with downs. And its M82A1 you stupid cunts.