Overated and Overused Franchises

Call of Duty

Jesus Christ this franchise is going downhill so retarded scooter bike fast. At first it was a good two or three years to get a new, great, Call of Duty. Now, however, they are spitting these puppies out faster than a red-neck mother. Please, dear lord, make it stop. Give the damn license to Infinity Ward and stop sucking this dry. I think I'm a bit too late, however. I just noticed that Call of Duty: Aliens of Destruction is just been listed on amazon.

Halo

Wow, really. There's going to be a strategy game, a new expansion pack, and there was going to be a god forsaken MMO (the most horrible of all evils) coming out. I lost all hope in man.

Tom Clancy

Blah, his name means nothing to me. He used to have a hand in devolpment on the older (better) games, but now sense he retired from writing and actually sold his name to Ubisoft, they are putting his name on any shit. (Yes, I'm talking to you ENDWAR, you sack of donkey sperm). Huzza for emo splinter cell.

What These Video Game Genres Really Are.

Shooters (First and Third person included)

What wikipedia says they are: Shooter games are a subgenre of action game. Because "shooters make up the majority of action games", it is a fairly wide subgenre. It includes many subgenres that have the commonality of focusing "on the actions of the avatar using some sort of weapon. Usually this weapon is a gun, or some other long-range weapon".

What they really are: Places for little children to run around, swearing stupidly and making racial obscenities, and blame their teammate for how awful they are. Also you have to be extremely serious in some cases or your mother will be raped by someone in Alaska. Also make a great scapegoat when a school shooting happens after a student cant deal will all the bullshit that makes up public schools.

Strategies (Real time and Turn based)

What wikipedia says they are: A strategy game is a game (e.g. computer, video or board game) in which the players' decision-making skills have a high significance in determining the outcome.

What they really are: Tests, long and difficult tests. These test are graded extremely harshly so if you make one error, you fail. They also make good friends stab each other when one causes the other to fail.

Role Playing Games

What wikipedia says they are: A role-playing game (RPG; often roleplaying game) is a game in which the participants assume the roles of fictional characters.

What they really are: It depends on location. Western RPGs are extremity long stories that take hundreds upon hundreds of hours to do. They also make people think they care that the half-elf Cleric has needs to be the greatest member of your party because hes an half-elf. Eastern RPGs, on the other hand, are long stories that make no god damn bit of sense. They also like to ruin the series more upon each release of a new game after the sixth one came out.

“Old School Games”

What wikipedia says they are: Retrogaming, also known as classic gaming and old-school gaming, is the hobby of playing and collecting older computer, video, and arcade games.

What they really are: Old games that are really shitty that only seven people in the world care about, but they have the largest mouthes and egos in the world, so it makes it seem like 485 million.

Why the internet fails

You are reading this instead of doing something productive.

The apparent names of weapons on COD4

The RPG-7



Apparent Names:
Fag Tube
WTF killer
"Nigger" Penis
"Jew" Penis
FUKIN CHEP

Actual Name:
The stop sitting in the same fucking spot you moron gun.

M60E3



Apparent Names:
LMG
LMG
LMG
LMG
LMG
Unfaiz

Actual Name:
The don't run at the person with a gun bigger than your body and stop dieing nub gun.

FN P90


Apparent Names:
Pee Nindy
Nubz gun
Cheapz
Puss gun

Actual Name:
The your just pissed that I shot you in the back of the head gun.

M203 (Gp-25)


Apparent Names:
Noob Tube
Noob laucher
Fuckin Lamez
Chepp

Actual Name:
The RAPE ME BECAUSE I AM EVIL AND KILL PUPPIES gun. ^_^

Fuck you Akuma

Akuma, you bastard. You ruin a good Street Fighter Alpha game every goddamn time your fucking face shows up. The Japanese have always failed at balancing, and your a prime example of it, you power whore. (Guy pwnzrs)

Everything should be banned in COD4

Everything should be banned.

Weapons:

Weapons cause all sorts of problems. They kill, they kill you, they kill your teammates, and they don't do anything at some times. I say that we get rid of them. We don't need to kill to have a good time. How many times in a game do you go “Damn it!” because some jerkoff sniped you from across the map, or that prick sprayed you with a P90? We should all use those super laser knives that they give the SAS and the USMC now a days. Or we can just throw smoke grenades at each others faces.

Teams:

Get rid of them. From now on I say that we should only play deathmatch. When you loose on a team game, its usually your retarded teams fault, right? I mean it can't be your lack of teamwork or poor playing, right? Teams promote segregation as well. I mean Whites/Blacks vs. Middle Easterns? Whites vs... eh... angry whites! Thats racism and thats bad.

Perks

How can this man take more hits by bullets? Its because of steroids. Perks promote drug use. There is no other reason how with little work a player can get better.

Grenades

Its so unfair by something exploding that I cannot avoid that I die. Its also unfair that the same pesky bastards can create a cloud of smoke that I cannot see through, blind me, or stop me in my tracks. Ban them. They are completely unfair and require no skill.

Maps

Every map sucks according to everyone. Crash sucks. Bloc sucks. Wetwork Sucks. Shipment sucks. Creek sucks. Everything sucks. Get rid of them. I say that we should now on play in a blank and empty void that has no tactics nor cover.

A Review of all of the Weapons in Call of Duty 4

Note that this is all sarcastically written. This is not meant to be taken seriously, only semi-seriously.

Handguns

M9
Your a real badass if you use this. I will make love to you if you actually manage to kill someone with less than 5 shots with this. I have airsoft guns that hurt more than this. Hell, I have cats that hurt more than this.

USP .45
If you seen my video reviews, you know that any USP thats is in .40 is a waste of atoms, but .45 USP's tend to rock. This is the only well balanced handgun in this game. Too bad there are handguns who's hobby is to rape people of middle eastern decent.

M1911 .45
I love how they put the .45 in here, just encase your too damn retarded to realize that its a .45 caliber handgun. There is really no point to having this handgun if your going to put a Desert Eagle that doesn't have recoil. Oh, it can be silenced? Well that makes up for it.

Desert Eagle
I'm going to have to simulate a developer conversation for this one.
DEV1: Hey, I coded this really awesome Desert Eagle that packs a mean punch.
DEV2: Cool, so what did ya do to balance it? High recoil? Inaccurate?
DEV1: Nothing. Fuck balance and fairness. If I want to have a sidearm that kills in one hit without a side effect, they can just go suck my massive cock.
DEV2: I really hate you.

Golden Desert Eagle
Wow, they put in gold plated weapons. I'm sure they did this to make your weapons look unique (unlike everyone else that has a golden AK-47). I'm also sure that Saddam Hussein had a gold plated AK-47. Surpise cockfag, your emulating a mass murderer!

Shotguns

W1200
This shotgun is as balanced as it gets. You need close range and a steady hand to kill... until you strap stopping power and a grip on it. Then if anything is in the vicinity of it dies. Take that years of shotguns in first person shooters sucking unless its automatic, then becoming a "FAG GUN".

M1014
At least some of the developers at Infinity Ward has their head on strait. They balanced the semi auto with low capacity, with means that they aren't the giant dipshits I think they are.

SMG's

MP5
Hey, lets have power, range, rate of fire, accuracy, and mobility all rolled into one! Sounds fair, doesn't it? Yeah, this gun is unfairly bullshit.

Skorpion
If you own with this gun, congratulations. You now have the right to touch my nutsack. This gun is also a good example of balance. Its also a good example of never fucking used.

Mini-Uzi
Alone, this gun is worthless. Stopping power and steady aim, this gun kills more people then Hitler and Stalin combined. All while holding this gun one handed! Yep, this game is soo realistic.

AK-74u
Lets go back to the developers for this one.
DEV1: Hey Ted, check out this AKS-74U I coded.
DEV2: Looks cool, but why is it labeled AK-74U, and is under the submachine gun class?
DEV1: Because I want to.
DEV2: But the AKS-74U fires a rifle round, so doesn't that make it a rifle?
DEV1: Fuck you Ted.
DEV2: *Sigh*

P90
Hey look kids, its the Desert Eagle of the SMG world. Yeah, fuck balance. We don't need less power or accuracy. Ill just make the reload two seconds longer. Yeah, that will balance it out.

Assault Rifles

M16A4
Lets make a rifle thats super accurate, have little recoil, and is unlocked by default. Oh wait, the M16A4 is already here. I know, lets make it fire only in busts to make close quarters combat less easy. Oh, because of the bursts its easier to kill with one direct hit with a burst. Oh well.

AK-47
Yay balance. Most balanced gun in the game. Enough said...

M4A1
... Unlike the M4, which has range, power, rate of fire, and accuracy all in one, unlike the real M4 which sucks cock and is as bout as reliable as a retard bus driver.

G36C
This gun is as bout as balanced as... well, its quite balanced, minus the fact that it cant do shit against shooting through walls. Apparently the bullets turn into fluffy kittens.

G3
More developers, yay!
DEV1: Hey, the G3 really kicked ass in single player.
DEV2: Yeah it did.
DEV1: So lets make it fire in single shot only (just like the m14 by the way), add more delay in between shots, and generally make this gun a piece of shit.
DEV2: Eh, why?
DEV1: Because I can you piece of shit.
DEV2: I wish I can quit.

M14
Take a M21, hack off the scope, add ten rounds to the magazine, and you get the M14! Oh yeah, add an annoying grenade launcher to it just for laughs.

MP44
Lets waste space by copy pasting the MP44 from Call of Duty 2 in Call of Duty 4 so people can see how weapons from the 1940s can see how much they suck compared to modern weapons instead of making a cool, new weapon for players. Makes as much sense as how much I'm not mentally disabled and can tell that older weapons suck compared to modern ones. Oh, and its STG.44 you dipshits.

Light Machine Guns

M249 SAW
The M249 is balanced on foot, but apparently if you put it on a mount it turns into a MG42 and has magic bullets that pierce anything and never overheats.

RPD
Also balanced. People just hate dieing from a gun thats hard to master, so when they do, they just call it a noob gun and say they never use noob guns. Yeah, you just keep saying that Mr. M4A1 + M203 + Blue Tiger Stripe finish (Its not camo for Christ sake! What the hell you going to hide it in? Blue Jello?).

M60E4
For fucks sake, stop calling this gun "LMG"! Its a god damn M60! I know you seen at least one Rambo movie! And its not cheep, you just suck ass. This gun is as accurate as throwing shards of grass at someone. So use range as an advantage god damnit.

Sniper Rifles

M40A3
Balanced

M21
Also Balanced

Dragunov
Balanced as well, is this a miracle?! (Also, its SVD dipshits).

R700
Eh, whats the point of this? Its a M40A3 minus a bullet. They could have put a cooler sniper rifle here, like a VSS, or an WA2000, but we got a M40 minus a bullet! (Yeah, I know, more powerful, but after research, it like a 5% increase, which doesn't matter in everyones obsessive hardcore mode.)

Barrett .50cal
*Sigh*. Really? The biggest fuck up of this game. Developers!
DEV1: Check out this sweet ass M82 I coded!
DEV2: *Sigh* And your going to balance this one how? Massive recoil? Woefully Inaccurate unscoped? Slow rate of fire?
DEV1: Nope, fuck balance.
DEV2: Oh god damnit!
I fucking hate this gun. It's as fair as beating up a legless child with downs. And its M82A1 you stupid cunts.